How To Dump Your Girlfriend, But Not Really

Sam and I have known Norman our entire lives. We love him to distraction. He's a GREAT guy -- a career in special-forces ended by a training accident, almost 40, charming, funny, smart, well-educated, well-traveled, ruggedly handsome. He's a catch! Which leads to the problem of women trying to catch him.

He doesn't want to be caught. As the youngest of several children its possible he has "issues" about being pampered, but we're pretty sure its just that he's horrified by the whole idea of being trapped behind a white picket fence. He's the kind that wants to wake up, decide to go to ... anywhere, and just go. Not that he actually does that often, he just wants the option. Which leads to ... unfortunate ... situations. In effect, the girlfriends.

Norman's always had a tendancy to date twenty-somethings, regardless of his age. He likes graduate students. More mature than undergraduates, not as burdened with daily life as graduates with "real" jobs. The problem is that invariably the graduate students graduate, get real jobs, start subscribing to BrideMagazine, and lose 20 pounds with their eye on the perfect wedding dress!

That makes him get this odd look in his eyes. See, he's too soft-hearted to just dump them. They might cry, heaven forbid! So he comes up with these unique plans. Did I say he's smart? I meant to say he's brilliant!

Once his girlfriend put them on a diet (obviously prepping for the soon-to-be-planned wedding). She lost twenty pounds. He gained 30. She dumped him. He worked out twice a day and was back in fighting shape in six weeks.

Another time his girlfriend prompted him to get a "real" 9-5 job in the town she would be working in after graduation and suggested they move in together. He decided to become a long-distance trucker. She dumped him. He had neglected to tell her he would only be a "trucker" for a few months that summer to help run his brother's trucking company while his brother was sick.

So I wasn't surprised when Sam called me so hysterical she almost couldn't breathe. Once she regained her composure, she had a fascinating tale to tell. We'd thought the current girlfriend was doomed for about a month, but we had no clue how he'd do her in.

Apparently, she decided they needed pets together. So she got them hamsters, the kind that look like Lassie except they're rodents. Norman has really gotten into it. He named his "Taffy". He carries pictures of the rodent in his wallet. He bought a little leash for it, and some little clothes. Who knew they even made that stuff! He walks Taffy around the apartment building, even to the grocery! (This is TOTALLY outside Norman's previously known behavior). Then ... he grew a goatee, shaved his head, and started wearing the stylish pink shirt his sister bought him last year.

Sam was tipped off to the big-plan when he announced at dinner, with GREAT satisfaction and smugness, that the girlfriend's parents now think he's ... gay! They've been working on her night and day, trying to get her to reconsider her attachment to him!

Talk about outside-the-box thinking!

Make Waves

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