Not THAT Kind of Movie!

Once upon a time I lived next door to a very pleasant couple name Henry and Erica. Henry was a policeman, generally an all –around nice fellow. For example, when I was pregnant I neglected my flowerbeds outrageously. I thought they were done for, but they seemed to thrive on my neglect. As it turns out, Henry knew I was sick so he moved his sprinkler system to cover my flower beds, which were along the edge of his yard. He never mentioned it, just did it and went about his day.

Our driveways were close together. One Valentine’s Day Henry pulled into his driveway at the same time I drove into ours. We chatted for a few minutes. He asked about my plans for the holiday. I was SO excited since it was the first ValentinesDay since we had the baby! I just laughed with the joy of being alive as I told him my plans: we were hiring a babysitter to watch the baby upstairs while we went downstairs to the den to eat dinner and watch adult movies. Henry’s eye widened a bit and he looked a little odd, but I just thought perhaps he needed to take a Tums. He quickly went into their house and I went into ours.

A few minutes later, Erica (Henry’s wife) called. At first I couldn’t understand her because she was laughing too hard. Eventually she regained her composure, at least enough to get out a few words. See, Erica and I had already talked that day. Specifically about how we were both SO tired of watching SesameStreet and Barney, or worse. We had discussed that I was hiring a baby-sitter and ordering take-out for dinner and renting action-adventure movies (like DieHard and RedOctober) that were completely inappropriate for children.

Erica was a bit surprised when Henry walked into their kitchen where she was making dinner, sat down at the counter, and told her “You just never know about some people! Who would have thought Lucy was into porn?” Erica deserves some credit for saying calmly “What, exactly, did she say?” Henry explained to her that while I didn’t use the word “porn” I had used the words “adult movies”, and everyone knows what that really means! Erica had to explain to Henry that what it really means (on the Mommy circuit) is that there is no animation, no furry costumes, no scenes where all the characters sing instructions on brushing your teeth, no plot that involves learning the ABC’s or 123’s.

Poor Henry! I’m sure his jump to conclusions was prompted by the things he sees every day as a policeman. And I think he deserves a lot of credit for managing to stay blank-faced while he was talking to me in the yard. Still, every time I rent videos that I know the kids are too young to watch, I laugh thinking about that moment and his wild and crazy assumptions!


Great story. Both the Queen and I enjoyed it.

(Although sometimes the toothbrushing songs are nice...except when they get stuck in your head for hours.)

King of Fools | 02/16/2004 - 04:19 PM

How funny. The poor man. He probably needed more than tums. Maybe some nitroglycerin for his poor spasmodic heart?

Tammy | 02/16/2004 - 06:31 PM
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