"OK, here's the Thanksgiving Menu so far: apple pie, pumpkin pie, blueberry tart, and ice-cream roll. What am I missing? CAKE! We need cake."

By Debra Messing as Grace Adler on "Will and Grace"

I don't know exactly where to start. So many parts of the whole experience rendered me stunned speechless. I find myself struggling even now to get my thoughts together.

Lets start with the facts. My husband took the children to visit this particular church a few times. The kids really like the Summer program, so we were kinda thinking this might be the church for us. I hadn't personally been because of a mild cold, pulled back-muscle, ect.

Yesterday we ALL went. The kids went to their classes (which they didn't love as much as the big Summer group programs) and my husband and I went to service followed by Sunday School. Wait. This post is just going to be about MY personal experience at the church. Lets start with the arrival.

We parked. It was paved. So far, so good. The greeter at the door handed me a bulletin and "low-fived" one of the children. So far, not bad. Then the SECOND wave of greeters just inside the door intercepted me as I tried to follow my husband and children to check in Katherine at the nursery. They hugged me. Like I was a long lost friend. I'm not adverse to hugging in any way, but this was a LOT of hugging. I felt a little ... mugged. I broke free and realized my husband had dropped off Katherine and was gone. Great. (That was sarcasm).

The super-friendly greeters showed me where he had probably gone to drop off the other children and I waited at the top of the stairs for him. Eventually he came back. I was staring blankly out the window of the stairwell. He held my hand on the way to our seats in the service.

The seats were not comfy. Not bad, but not comfy. I was too short. But they were cushioned. They sang three short hymns (without hymnals) ("sing along if you know the words") and then the minister preached. For a long time. On varied and assorted themes. I tried to look interested and pleasant because it dawned on me that everyone else looked ... grim. I did not feel uplifted. I didn't even feel convicted. I hope someone got something out of it. I did learn a few new derogatory "wife" jokes. I don't think he meant them badly, and they WERE funny, but still ... I felt a little yucky. We went to Sunday School ...

The Sunday School Teachers wife had called me the previous week. We chatted. She's very nice, absolutely charming. She's from Texas. Her husband is retired military. He's nice too. He looked sharp in a navy blazer, white shirt and navy/burgendy tie. At first I couldn't figure out what was nagging at the corner of my mind. Then I realized that his tie and his wife's dress matched. She also looked great. But still.

Now, to address the pink elephant in the corner of the room. I'll just spit it out. My husband told me they were super-friendly. My husband MIGHT have told me they were slightly older. He just didn't use the right degree of emphasis, because I was NOT prepared to be in a room of SENIOR CITIZENS (all the way up to age 93) because there is only one adult class! Out of about 40 people, there was one 17 yr old, us, and then everyone else was OLD. I mean OLD. Walkers and Oxygen. It was NOT what I was expecting.

But I went with it. Until I heard a shrill cry from the nursery down the hall. Then another one. Then, another one. I whispered to my husband that I was going to the nursery. He nodded and let me out. I slipped out of the room, and down the hall. I didn't really think it was Katherine, but I DID think they might need another set of hands if they had a fussy baby in the nursery.

They had four people in the nursery, and about eight baby-toddlers. But it was just the one crazy-for-crackers baby that was making the noise (when she didn't get the crackers fast enough). They were pleasant and vaguely chatty. Then, I felt a hand on my elbow. It was the Sunday School Teachers wife. She informed me softly that they had enough hands, gently that my child was fine, and then somehow I was lead back to class! She's so charming that I just went along with it.

Thats right. I was captured and returned to class. Like a three year old that has wandered away from the group! My husband was ... surprised ... to see me return to class. I was surprised too. And not in a good way.

Looking back on the experience, I'm still a little stunned. Like ... like ... like ... I still don't know. No part of the whole experience was horrible. Nothing I can point to and say "See? Thats wrong and crazy!". And yet? It still felt wrong and crazy.

We laughed a lot about it afterwards. I'm not sure if my husband was laughing at the situation, or the fact I was stunned speechless.

Blogging will be more frequent in the near future because I have a LOT of words to use up about the move, and because my husband set up "my" computer in my new cute little office which is near the kitchen. It is SO over-the-top-fabulous! And here is how that happened ...

Sometimes I forget that some of my friends don't have boys. Sometimes it smacks me in the face so suddenly that I almost fall over.

(There was the time a friend of mine said that we should save money on the house by not putting a tub in the boys' bathroom because "boys don't like bubble baths, just showers". Just so you know, its impossible to sink a Lego submarine in a shower. ) (Note to readers: My husband does draw the line at letting the boys have scented-bubblebaths and candles. I compensate with epsom-salts and glow-sticks, both very macho. I have skills.)

On the last day in Missouri, friends came over to see us off and help load the last little bit of stuff. They brought lots of donuts and even MILK because she is wildly-fabulous and outrageously-thoughtful.

They only have girls, and brought two of them. I have two girls. The total was four girls and two boys. Two boys who are definitely "all boy" as they race bicyles and catch ... wildlife ... and slam through the house like two twisters.

My friend confided later that she had sent her husband to the store at the crack-of-dawn to fetch the donuts with VERY specific instructions. He was simply NOT to come home without sprinkles on four of the donuts. (And he deserves an extra-sparklely-gold-star for convincing the donut-person to go in the back and dip four donuts in sprinkles since they were sold-out!) Get it? Four girls, four sprinkled donuts?

She confided this with a laugh after she set out the donuts, which were immediately swarmed by the two boys who happened to be in the kitchen. Sure enough, Lee pounced on a donut with sprinkles ... "Oooooo! Sprinkles!" Not that I would know where he gets it :)

Really. It made me laugh. A lot. Just focus on the "funny" and not the "horror". Because if we're going to laugh about it years later, we may as well start laughing now.

My in-laws are coming to visit. They're perfectly lovely people. Which is not the same as saying "low-maintenance" people. Let me reinforce THEY ARE LOVELY PEOPLE, just not low-maintenance. Got it? Ready for it? Cause you think you are, but you're probably not ...

I called my mother-in-law to pin down the date of arrival for my calendar. When I started planning things, I realized I had neglected to get the date of departure. Sitting at the desk across from mine was my husband, a fount of information (if I ask the right questions :)

I innocently and almost absent-mindedly asked him if he knew how long his parents were going to be here. (By now the shark music should be reaching a cresendo in your head, dear reader) ...

My fist clue (percieved in that slow motion reserved for dramatic situations) was his head movement. Its hard to describe, but if he has to tell me something when he's not sure of the reaction there's this tiny way his head moves back-sideways-right. By the time I recognize it, the words are already leaving his mouth. (Its like someone yelling "Tsunami" and the big wave is right behind them. Just focuses your attention on the wave about to crash on you.)

Even as I was processing "Head-movement! Head-movement!" the words were coming out. As if in a fog, I realized that his head was poking around the edge of his monitor to get a good look at me when the words hit. I could see the words drifting across the room, but I was helpless to dodge them. On and on they came. Landing on my ears like blobs of green slime. "Nooooooooooooooooooo" echoed in my head, dying away to silence.

Finally, I blinked. I must have. I blinked again. I distinctly remember thinking that I didn't know enough expletives for this situation. I blinked some more. I did not explode. My husband settled back, looking ... better. Confident that this was going to go well. (Sometimes, not all the time but sometimes, there are advantages to being married to me)

I narrowed my eyes. Ok, maybe I narrowed my minds-eye because my regular eyes were still blinking erratically. I did not WANT this to go "well". I wanted to curse like a really proficient sailor. I wanted to have a tantrum. I wanted to explode in a glorious fit of passion, like when I see a mouse.

But is was too late. My internal sensor had rocketed past "mouse" to "emergency". And in my world, that means I'm calm and non-shrill and focused. (Apparently, I have a bell-curve of panic. Flat for non-panic, top of the curve for mice, flat again for emergencies. I find that interesting in a totally abstract way) I was already making lists and charts and plans and alternate plans and alternate alternate plans. My mind was processing them so fast the room almost started spinning. Or ...

... maybe the room got shaky when my husband told me his parents will probably be here for about six weeks.

This is the part where we laugh a lot. Trust me. This is funny, or it will be when I'm eighty. Lets just laugh now! Besides, there are perks to this! I am definitely REALLY motivated to get the new house fully operational practically immediately. My children are a little nervous. My husband is a little nervous. Bwahahahaha!

The computer is going off-line tomorrow. In THEORY, I will be back to regular happy blogging in about ten days. Cue the "shark" music. Because I have NO faith that this computer is going to be ... normal ... once we haul it several hundred miles.

Actually, I've started having an odd feeling about this computer. Several times recently, the only way I could get it to work was to boot it repeatedly. This does not bode well for my future with THIS computer. I will refrain from placing an excessive amount of blame on my children and husband, who installed who-knows-what on this computer to get it to play games with the computers in other locations of the network. I only realized they were installing ... stuff ... like crazy because they reached the point they couldn't install any MORE stuff and were bummed about it! Hello!?! There's so much ... stuff ... on MY computer that it won't load more? And what of it is MY stuff?

(Deleted absolutely psychotic rant)

And so I'll be blogging next from Colorado, a happy place.

Colorado is roughly 1200 miles from family. After spending three weeks on the road visiting family all over the south-eastern United States, I don't know exactly why I find that so appealing.

And, yet after TWO family reunions and an episode involving a five-foot water-moccassin and a hot-tub, I find myself ... lighter ... when I think about finishing the move to Colorado. We'll be here in the MIdwest another ten days, but then we're going someplace ... happy. Where there are bunnies on the excessively-watered lawn and really good local lotions that will help me not wrinkle.

Plus, I got to see Sam. My husband, who is fabulous, called her where she was hiding out (avoiding the afore-mentioned family reunion) and arranged for her to surprise me at an outlet-mall on the trip home! It was the coolest thing ever! I miss her. She immediately dragged me into the dressing-room and demonstrated the cut that would "fix" my hair. *sigh* I just LOVE her! And, yes, it would SO fix my hair. She called a few minutes ago, from a Walgreens in TN to tell me that she just bought hair-dye and a magazine with a picture of the cut I needed. She'll be here in less than 48 hours. Sam refuses to let me move to the Hinterlands with bad hair :)

Did you know that Prell Original (the green slime shampoo) will totally strip artificial coloring from hair without damaging it? Just one of those little things ya' might need to know someday.

Regular blogging will commence shortly after my arrival in Colorado :)

Another funny thing that happened in what shall hence-forth be referred to as "The Colorado Adventure" (and I couldn't tell anyone until the contract was signed) .

We were in Colorado house-hunting (which is a whole other bizarre story involving people who think its ok to gravel their yard and then spray paint it green, like THAT'S a good solution) ...

Days passed. Dreary overcast days full of gravel and tumbleweed. I started to wonder if we had really made the right decision. And we did have a choice. Even in this economy there was a bidding war for my husband. Sometimes I forget what he is. True, Anchorage offered "more" but he chose Colorado because they offered "better" (and he has a brother there). The management there is impressively creatively brilliant. (And he does SO love outside the box thinking, see below) Still, I started second-guessing the choice, even if it was just in my own head.

I flipped on the computer to go over the real-estate listing yet again, hoping the perfect house had listed that morning. Or that maybe I had just missed something before. THAT'S WHEN I SAW IT! Even as I sat there thinking that maybe Colorado was not the right choice, I saw the headlines about the VOLCANO ERUPTING AT ANCHORAGE! Talk about timing! Suddenly, I felt absolutely GIDDY to be sitting in a hotel in Colorado looking at houses with crazy yards! (And we evenutually ended up with a house with an absolutely lovely yard :)

We are moving to Colorado.

More importantly, we feel that GOD is moving us to Colorado.

Lots of words I could use up, most of which would be ill-advised on a public site. Here's the funny moment I most remember from the whole ugly episode ...

Wondering if we should move or stay or move or stay or move. Wondering. Wondering. Wondering. Finally, in a fit of passion, deciding to flip open my Bible, read a verse, let God deal with it, and just finally go to bed! (I don't sleep well when my husband is out of town)

The verse? I couldn't have found it if I had tried! In Jeremiah ... "HARK! They flee and escape Babylon to Zion, leaving the wrath of the Lord in their wake" I laughed so hard I cried!

Seriously? I still smile every time I think about it. God has a truly delicious sense of humor, and a profound knowledge of me. I especially loved "hark" with the exclamation point :)

Although, I'm moderately concerned about my own inability to separate an appreciation for justice and a taste for revenge. I find its hard for me to pray for mercy on those people. What if God gives it to them!?!

I was going to be very sad to announce that due to the uncertainty of my husband's employment situation, we have abandoned our extensive and interesting landscaping plans for this year. No raised beds for me :(

BUT then something unexpectedly lovely happened!

I don't say that in a "mean" way. I really thought my dog was stupid. Maybe even retarded. Can you have retarded dogs? But I digress, as is so very often the case.

A few days last week I watched The Dog run around in big circles in the yard, frantically looking at the sky and barking wildly. "Great, now he's chasing clouds!". But, no. On closer inspection, he was chasing the eagles that play in the winds above our hill. I just rolled my eyes and went on with the laundry.

Then my husband asked "Whats with the dead turkeys in the yard?"

It hit me like a bolt of lightning! Turkeys don't fly! They glide! My husband and I often argue over the difference. Well. Apparently the difference is that if The Dog runs around under a flying eagle, it will keep flying. But if he runs around under a gliding turkey, he gets a meal when it has to eventually drop to the ground! And, sweetie that he is, The Dog killed an extra turkey for his friend. (And by "sweetie", I do indeed mean that he'll eat a burgler in a heartbeat! Just so you know.)

Just when you thought it was safe for me to go back to Blockbuster!

I have a history of picking ... questionable ... movies. Really, some of them were NOT my fault! The whole episode with Arachnaphobia -- THAT movie was seriously misrepresented in the previews. It had John Goodman in it, and it was by Disney, and I REALLY expected a "cute" spider. Maybe one with a bow.

The list goes on and on and on and ...... its a VERY long and varied list. But I don't stop trying. Eventually, someday, I'll get it right. However, it turns out that today is NOT that day :)

My adventure started with ordering a "foreign" film. Bollywood. I just LOVE Bollywood! Pretty pretty colors, people that suddenly burst into song and dance, what could go wrong?

What could go wrong? We're going to play a little game, readers. BEFORE you look at the rest of the post, leave your guess in the comments about what kind of movie I watched with the title TA RA RUM PUM. (Here's a hint: many Bollywood movies are remakes of classic Hollywood movies.) And, yes, you can guess as many times as you want.

Have you ever had one of those "allergy medication commercial" moments? You know, where they show you the pretty picture, and then they show it to you without the dim-light-filter so that everything looks clearer and brighter and ... just better?

Well, I had one of those moments last week. And it seems to have lasted. I just feel more like ... me. I suppose its possible that this is really truly the end of post-partem. (And, yes, it can last for years)

I was standing in front of the carrots at Walmart when I got the phone-call from my husband. With some news. The mental-lights started flickering the way flurescents will do when they're first turned on. I wandered around toward the apples. The mental-lights came on full force!

At first I thought it was merely a panic-induced moment of clarity. The way things look sharper in an emergency as adreniline floods your body. God bless him, my husband noticed a change in my voice. To the point that he asked cautiously if I felt a little "cranky". In reality, I just felt focused and competent. It may have been a while since he's seen me go there.

Still, this couldn't possibly last, right? RIGHT? And then the freaky thing happened. When I was a little girl, my hand-writing matched my father's exactly. It was ... odd. But there it was. And then about the time I had Ron, I noticed that my hand-writing was changing to more like my mother's. Which didn't alarm me because she has nicer hand-writing. But then a few days ago I looked down at my grocery list and realized it was in my father's handwriting!

Its just weird.

How long have you been together?
My whole life. Since the first moment I looked in his eyes. Because then I became me. Whoever was me before was somehow ... less and different. OR, since Richard and Amy's Christmas party. We met when we both worked at a bookstore. Amy was married to his best friend and doing temp work at the bookstore. She specifically had the party to get me to meet their group of friends, hoping things would work out. Since everyone knew everyone else except me they planned to exchange gifts. Amy bought me a lovely scarf so I wouldn't feel left out, but my future-husband slipped me a small box and a smile. Amy was sitting next to me when I opened it and almost passed out! All I could say was "Did you tell him!?!" as she shook her head speechlessly. I had gone shopping with Amy that afternoon and the ONLY thing I looked at twice was silver tips for my black boots. Right now this very minute they're sitting in my jewelry box. OR, it would be true to say that we've been married 16 years.

(Continued below, since I'll probably give ridiculously long answers.)

There are four HomeDepot stores in Anchorage, Alaska.

But the average high temperature at the peak of summer is in the low 60's.

You know, when I get a new car my husband has to "prep" me for the decision months (sometimes years) in advance. Its a good thing he's had that practice. Long-term planning makes me ... twitchy. Don't know HOW I'm going to make it until May! We get news in May, and you people will get the news immediately there-after!

What I can tell you now is that it is SERIOUSLY terrifyingly awesome to watch God move. And, God has an amazing sense of humor :)