First, I am neither dead nor do I expect to be so anytime soon. But, it seems perfectly normal to me to plan your own funeral well in advance. Afterall, if you wait until the last minute someone else will have to do it for you. My husband is a wonderful man, but I just don’t think he’d plan a great funeral. For one thing, he’d be under a lot of stress and grief because he loves me. I’m sure it would be FUNCTIONAL, but shouldn’t we strive for more than that? If we were just interested in “functional” we would all get married down at the courthouse while wearing jeans. Another thing, he’s never had to plan a large social gathering without me. And, yes, funerals are social gatherings. At least in the South.
I’ve decided it will make my husband’s life easier if I work on the plans in advance. (Note to Husband: Quit snorting, it WILL make your life easier in the long run). I’ve given careful consideration to a great many things. Sometimes I ask his opinion, usually at the tail-end of a rather long monologue touching upon all sides of the issue. Imagine a quiet man, determinedly reading, finally forced to respond. He pauses. His eyes narrow slightly. He leans forward … He announces “I’m going to bury you in a bright orange casket and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
He was kidding. He had SO better be kidding. I’d prefer a tasteful funeral, which doesn’t necessarily mean conservative and grim. But it DOES mean that there had better be NO orange casket. I would think he’d be pleased to know that I’ve already planned out most of the process (although now that we’ve moved I’ll need to pick another caterer). I’m just trying to save him from a catastrophe that will live in infamy.
“What?” you might say. “Funerals don’t live in infamy!”
Ah, dear gentle reader, you have lead such a sheltered life. Or you have a miniscule extended family. Or you just aren’t Southern. I’m relatively young and at least two such funerals spring to mind. Not just the ordinary tackiness like videotaping the funeral or highlighting the cards on the flower-arrangements before the funeral so your husband will know which ones to load into the van for you afterwards. I’m talking headshaking-in-disbelief-for-years kinda events. But those are for tomorrow’s post.