Dark Side of the Moon

Warning: vaguely serious entry.

I've been busy with a friend/relative. We're very different. Imagine the Sun compared to the Moon. Gold and silver. Fire and Ice.


FIRE AND ICE BY ROBERT FROST
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Part of the irony is that passionate desire and cold hate are both extremes of the same emotion, carried in different directions. But that is neither here nor there ...

Samantha and I are opposites. Totally. In almost every way. Except loyalty. I trust her. She trusts me. Thats really all we have in common, when you get down to brass tacks. A bond formed through shared histories. That doesn't keep us from petty argueing, or ignoring each other for months on end when things get busy. Sometimes we call just because we can. Because she wants to share about her new moisturizer. Because I want to share about the color I'm painting the sunroom. Because she wishes I was there, and because I wish she was here. Because she knows I know the real Samantha that's afraid no one will love her once they see behind the sparkley mask, and because I know she knows the real Lucy that's afraid ... The point is that we're opposites, but close in spite of that. (I really need to learn to be more concise).

Recently, I've again noticed something about human nature. You pigeon-hole people as the way they are when you meet them. Sure, everyone knows the conventional wisdom that first impression are important. But, there's a corollary that suggests you tend to dismiss the possibility that there are other "impressions" at all. For example, when you see the tip of the ice-berg you give very little thought to the submerged part. What you see/experience is what forms your total ideas/assumptions about the ice-berg.

I've noticed that since we moved recently, many people see me as a stay-at-home-mom with three kids and a dog made possible by a great husband. They see my life as perfect in this moment, so they assume its always been perfect. All they've ever seen is me being relatively happy, so they assume its always been this way. Very happy, kinda fluffy. Basically, they seem to be under the impression that I'm a GoldenRetriever. And I am. Sometimes.

But other times its necessary for me to be another way. Cold. Serious. Ruthless. Confrontational. Ambitious. Unyielding. Hard. Non-fluffy. And that takes me places in my head I don't like going. I'm not content being those things. I've very good at them, but not happy. (Sidenote: given the choice, would you choose to be famous in your field, or happy? I remember where I was standing when that dawned on me. On the stairs in the dorm watching my boyfriend walk off to class after lunch, realizing that he was the kind of guy that would be ok with me staying home was a new thought/option for me)

Samantha needed me to be seriously cool-headed the past few weeks, an anchor of sorts. I remember a stress-test from psych class. A score of 1-100 was low, 101-200 was ok, 201-300 was high, 301-400 was "are you having chestpains, perhaps indicating a heart-attack?". As far as I can tell, Samamtha would score between 900-1200 last week. Its a guess because some of her stress doesn't fit any catagory of questions on the test. For example, one stalker died in a freak accident (possibly in route to her apartment since he was known to have discovered the information). In a totally unrelated incident her boyfriend-turned-lunatic broke into her apartment. Quick thinking and a mistaken impression kept it out of the papers. Personally, if I were her I would have been the one calling the paper, but the mere thought almost unhinged her. We are definitely "two different people", as my grandmother used to say.

Anyway, after spending 8-12 hours a day on the phone I just had no words left for blogging. What, you don't think I can talk 8-12 hours on the phone? Oh, ye of little faith! I have actually lost my voice on occassion. She has a cordless phone and a hand-free-headset-cellphone. I didn't leave her side. We went to Krogers, and Walgreens, and to the mailbox. Periodically, we'd take a ten minute intermission for bathrooms and loud snacks like chips (its just rude to crunch chips into the reciever on the phone). Even during a crisis there's no need to be rude, at least not to people you love.

I do regret that I've been a tad rude online this last week especially. I've even called someone "ignorant". I felt bad about that. I shouldn't have said it. Admittedly, I still think I'm right and they're WAY wrong but I went and read some of their website and I think they have an understandable reason for being wrong. And there's really no way to apologize. Which is a shame, because she seems kinda nice. Count that "one bridge burned". Lesson learned.

Samantha has recovered nicely. I think all she needed was a little time to process stuff and someone she trusted to figuratively/emotionally "watch her back" while she had a total meltdown. But, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, she's ok. Which means that I can relax. Which is a good thing, because I am verbally and emotionally exhausted. I'm having a blah kinda day. And thats a GOOD thing. Live in fear of the curse "may you live in interesting times" :)

Waves

Lucy, I am "Ms. Ignorant" and consider this your apology and I consider it forgiven, done deal. I realize that we come at things from different perspectives and that is why we see things differently. Although, I don't agree with you a lot of the time, I respect your perspective and I hope that maybe over time, you can respect mine. It takes more than calling me ignorant to totally burn out a bridge. I hope am glad things are better for your friend. You are a good person to support someone like that. People like you are too rare.
Have a great Memorial Day Weekend!

goodsnake | 05/28/2004 - 09:11 PM

Lucy...you wouldn't be human if you didn't have that "cold" side!

I am very glad for Samantha that she has you for a friend, that makes her a lucky lady!

Although, selfishly...I missed you! :)

Sheilah | 05/29/2004 - 04:25 AM
 
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