Moment of Truth and Revelation

I've decided that there are going to be some changes. Or, rather, some inclusions. I thought that it would improve my blog if it were only a happy place. Yet, it has become obvious to me that there are times that unhappiness has a place. Strength comes from struggle, stars shine brighter against a dark sky, etc.

Have you ever seen the movie, "The Long Kiss Goodnight"? The one with GeenaDavis? For the uninitiated, its plot is generally as follows: a homebody-mommy-schoolteacher with amnesia turns out to be an undercover killer-agent who accidentially recovers her memory in time to save the world and her daughter (or Canada, I'm a little fuzzy about that) from rogue agents and senators. In the end, she has to reconcile the two identities. She eventually ends up as an edgy-homebody-mommy-schoolteacher with significant self-defense skills and a sweet-natured husband. But during the process each identity tries to destroy the other. Day versus Night. Only at the very end does she realize that both are necessary to maintain her life.

I feel kinda like that. (No, not the part where I'm a secret-agent-killer). The part where in the distant past I had to be someone I didn't want to be in order to survive/succeed, someone cold and hard and ruthless and responsible and controlling. And then I over-relaxed or over-indulged into being the person I thought I'd like to be, someone soft and ambitionless and completely non-competitive and passive and weak/protected.

The truth of the matter is that neither of those people are me. Not really. Not totally. And I owe myself more than to be a caricature of an idea of what someone else expects me to be.

Hmmmm. You might very well ask "What brought about the big Moment of Truth and Revelation?"

I've been inundated with relatives. [edit]. I want to be me. The Real Me.

I suspect the Real Me is thinner. We're going to find out.

Waves

Thanks, Lucy. I too wrestle with what to put on my blog, feeling I should focus on the "positive". There's good in wanting to make a blog a happy place, but also good in revealing what is happening in the heart. I feel I am in flux, in transition, finding myself. I want to be who I am, but not sure who that is. I'm glad to know others are on this road too! :-)

Julie | 11/23/2004 - 07:47 AM

whoa, Lucy, what a great description of where I am. After many years (30+) as a marketing executive, I am now a stay-at-home Mom of teenagers. Feast or famine. The pendulum swings wide. I am both. I am neither.

Earth Girl | 11/24/2004 - 02:37 AM
 
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