Fat People Can't Do Math

Really. And before you get all twitchy thinking I'm talking to you, let me assure you that in the past week no fewer than SIX individual fat people have etched that thought into my brain.

Now, we all know I'm not a mathmatician. I've got degrees in History, Economics, Religion. Not fields of study that involve lots of math. Sure, I can balance my checkbook. Yes, I can calculate "percentage off" for sales events. No, I can't do statistics. No, I didn't pass Accounting101 on my merits (I did what any girl would do: begged, almost-cried, promised to never ever do any accounting as long as I lived. I really really wanted to graduate)

[I don't know how I got the child I did. One of mine, the one that struggles verbally is learning his multiplication tables. Kind of. Without memory work. Apparently, as Ron (my eight year old) explained to me yesterday, 9 times y = (10 times y) -y. I hope I wrote that right, because it made sense when he explained it to me. And the fives are easy because (5 times y) = (10 times y/2) He couldn't write them like that, but I was amazed that he even saw the realtionships, and was using those relationships to make his life easier! We're SO switching to Singapore math next rotation!]

Back to Fat People. First, lets talk about BiggestLoser. For those of you that don't know, BiggestLoser is basically "Survivor For Fat People". So at their last vote-off-eliminate-a-teammate time, the Blue team voted off the lightest weighted member of the team. Because she was pulling slightly lower numbers (but not significantly lower) than the rest of the team. Who were all really huge fat guys. Which would have made sense. Except that its based on PERCENTAGE of weight lost, not total. By eliminating her, they SERIOUSLY handicapped their team. And didn't even realize what they had done until her cranky little soul explained it to them before she left. Admittedly the look on their faces was priceless when it dawned on them.

Second, lets talk about The Surgery. You know, stomach by-pass. I've decided that when friends tell me they're seriously considering The Surgery, its a cry for help. The side-effects are bad. REALLY bad. Really so extra-bad that they'd give me nightmares if I thought about them much. So bad that I can't believe four FOUR! four friends are truly considering The Surgery. Ok., now, you might be thinking "I understand that they're probably suicidal and self-destructive and desperate, but what does that have to do with math?"

THIS is what it has to do with math! The Surgery is expensive. I think its about $50,000. Which your insurance will not cover. Hmmm. Can you think of less-expensive ways to lose weight? Not to mention, ways that don't involve the possibility of you vomiting your own feces? First off, there's Bulimia. Not saying its the best option, but its free and manages to be less gross. It should scare you that Bulimia would be better than the Surgery. Or even Anorexia. Second, there's the bodyguard. For $25,000 , which is half the price of the surgery, I could hire a bodyguard to stay between me and food until I developed some control or lost 100 pounds. Third, for $25,000 I could take a medical leave of absense from work for six months and work out eight hours a day. I bet I'd lose tons! Fourth, I could check into a ... facility. You know, like drug rehab except for fat.

When I was in the middle of this rant at my husband last week, who was listening with The Look (slightly uninterested but focused enough to make the appropriate sound at the appropriate time), he suddenly sparked and snapped to attention! "Have you picked one?" he asked curiously when I paused for breath. "Picked a what?" I muttered distractedly, already composing Part Two of the rant in my mind. "A fat-farm!" I looked at him blankly. He looked just like a little boy on Christmas morning who has recieved a shiney new red bicycle, possibilities running rampan in his mind! Hmmmmm.

I lost six pounds this week.

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