When was the last time you gave or recieved a real compliment? Not the obligatory "you look fine/nice/whatever-will-get-us-out-of-the-house-on-time", but a real heartfelt compliment that leaves the recipient speechless, a sudden burst of unselfconcious honesty.

I've noticed that I can remember almost every negative thing my mother ever said about me. Sometimes it would be easy to drown in that ocean, pulled down by bitter rip-tides with all the joy in me crushed by wave upon wave of disapproval. I forget about the truly great, and occasionally weird, compliments I've gotten in my life. Those are the things I should remember. Maybe sharing them will help them seem more real to me, pull them to the front of my memories. Its not vanity, its amazement and gratitude.

(1) My very best friend in the world was seriously dating a guy that was also close to me. Jack and I just clicked so much that we could finish each other's sentences. She dated him for three years, and it ended super badly. About a year later, we were sitting in her dorm room and conversation drifted around to Jack. Things got quiet and out of the blue she said "You know, everyone always thought there was something going on behind my back with you and Jack." Sputtering on my part, involving a few tears as it dawned on me "you thought I could do that to YOU!?!" ... "well, afterall, it was Jack" ... more speechless on my part. Eventually I managed to get out "Why didn't you say something years ago?" She looked at me for what seemed like eternity. "Because I was afraid to know. As long as I didn't know for sure, then we were ok and I couldn't have taken it if we weren't ok." Perhaps you're thinking that suspected betrayal is an odd sort of compliment, but it wasn't until that moment that I understood that I was important to her. Important enough that she'd rather live with the doubt than watch our friendship die with the certainty. I've not been important to enough people that I take that lightly.

(2) My brother-in-law, while slightly intoxicated, told me privately in a burst of chattiness "Well, I'M glad he married you. ... I want to marry someone that treats me the way you treat him." That may be the most words he's ever spoken to me at one time.

(3) I worked in the cafeteria in college so I could afford to pay my phone bill (since my future-husband graduated a semester early and moved several states away). The serving line was usually staffed with females, because you needed a lot of upper-body strength to work behind the servers re-stocking the heavy pans on the line so the guys ended up with that job. One day, the guy that usually ended up working behind me was chatting with me during a slow time. Out of the blue he told me "You know, I like working with you. Your hands are so graceful." Graceful. I couldn't have imagined a less appropriate word for plopping food from a serving line onto cafeteria trays. But he meant it. And I've remembered that moment for years.

(4) One night when Ron was about four, he was laying in bed as I tucked him in. He was holding my hand and looked up at me and smiled. "You make me happy".

(5) Both boys will tell me "Mama, you're pretty when you laugh". They try to make me laugh, and when they succeed they look so pleased with themselves. That proud self-satisfied look is precious, because it reminds me that pleasing me is important to them. Its a nice feeling to be important.

(6) In the Golden Age, after we were married and before we had children, we went to the mountains for the weekend with three other couples to go rafting. One of the other girl's grandparents said "Its a long drive for a day-trip, why don't you stay at our summer house?" It became a VERY cool weekend! We were at dinner. A really fabulous restaurant that involved coat-and-tie and flaming desserts. It was the most relaxed I had been in ages. The eight of us had been friends for years. Sitting at a round table, I was directly across from a guy that used to flirt with me before he found out that my future-husband was interested in me. Anyway, this guy stared at me all night with an odd little smile on his face. Just watching me all night. Frankly, it kinda creeped me out. Later I mentioned it to my husband, asking if I had been doing something inappropriate or maybe had food in my teeth. He just snorted and said "No. You were just relaxed and happy. You're breathtaking when you're like that. Its no wonder he stared at you all night." That is one of those rare moments that my husband says what seems obvious to him, and completely foreign to me.

(7) The maid-of-honor at my wedding (who was my roommate in college) cancelled the month before the wedding because her sister (who went on an exchange program, married someone there, and joined a kinda-cult) suddenly reappeared in her life after several years with the news that her sister and new brother-in-law would be in the States for a few days (the weekend I was getting married) and that she would only get to see them if she flew to the other end of the country instead of coming to my wedding. She refused to go. She called me furious that her sister would choose this moment to reappear. I told her she had to go. She told me she wouldn't go, no matter what. I told her that she needed to go get some peace and closure, and that her mother probably agreed with me, and the two of us would make her go whether she liked it or not because she would always regret it if she didn't. I told her "I understand, it'll be ok, it's only me". She burst into tears muttering "only you ... (simultaneous laughter and bawling) ... only you..." I'm pretty sure she meant I was important. Its nice to feel important, even if its just for a minute.

(8) (9) (10) Its the middle of the night and I'm going to bed. I'll update this post later. Who knows, maybe the kids will give me three great compliments for breakfast.